Restraining Order Against Barbie

I’ve just filed a restraining order, and I’ll admit I got some odd looks when I handed in a form with:

First Name: Barbie

Last Name: Doll

Last Known Address: ToysRUs.com

Sure, it was awkward to serve papers to an 11.5″ plastic doll, but I had to take steps to protect my daughter.

It was bad enough when Barbie was whispering little gems like:

“Try Bulimia. It makes people love you.”

and

“Empty-headedness is an aphrodisiac (giggle, giggle).”

The last straw was her new book about software engineering. It was originally entitled “I Can Sleep My Way to the Top”, but when a test group complained it was unclear which industry she was sleeping her way to the top of, Mattel renamed it “I Can Be a Software Engineer” .

Here’s a brief synopsis of the plot:

  • Barbie tries to design a computer game and ends up destroying 2 laptops by downloading viruses (Women are so adorably incompetent.)
  • Barbie realizes she needs the help of her 2 guy friends because all she can do is design the game. She needs real programmers (men, of course) to do the actual programming.
  • Barbie’s male friends fix the laptops and the game, and Barbie takes all the credit!
  • Barbie eats a banana, to fill in the blanks for adults who are wondering why no one called her out on taking credit for other people’s accomplishments.

barbie2

Programmers and parents quickly recognized the stupidity of the book’s message.

What they didn’t realize was that the book is just a decoy, meant to distract us from the equally harmful message of the accompanying doll.

barbie

At $135, that doll is designed to reinforce the message that “You can be a programmer, too! ….. (If you’re an upper middle class white person who can afford expensive gadgets.)”  They didn’t bother to release the non-white versions of that doll, since it would undermine their bigotry.

Barbie, I sentence you to no less than 200 hours of community service teaching Scratch to underprivileged youth, plus a fine equal to the cost of providing one Raspberry Pi computer to every low income girl in the United States who has ever played with a Barbie doll.

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